10 techniques to get out of the line of fire (Ways to get out of the conflict)

Once upon a time, several million years ago, during my student years, I led a psychological circle for schoolchildren. We gathered in the basement of a five-story building - as I remember now, with the personal permission of the secretary of the city committee of the Komsomol, and were engaged in experiments on people of a completely inhuman sense. The topics "Parenting" and "Interaction with the Gopota" aroused particular interest. And they also brought real benefits.

For example, in the midst of a discussion of the next book by Vladimir Levy, three drunken chela with tattoos "Airborne Forces" come to us and begin a loud conversation in the format "Why are you here?" Irka, a little brunette ninth-grader who was “on duty for the guests” that evening, sniffs with displeasure, and with all her looks, expressing “horsey, you’re interesting to do here, but how to be on duty — this is how I” says to the chelam: “okay, let's get up, let's go, let's talk ”and leads them to a far corner for a conversation. It doesn't matter what and how the conversation went, but as a result, the guys eagerly offered themselves as instructors in parachuting and generally asked us to live forever.

Even then, it became clear to us that therapeutic sermons like “you can always find a solution that suits everyone” is complete bullshit and populism. Because a constructive solution to a problem implies that both parties have constructive goals and the willingness of these parties to act constructively. And this, to put it mildly, is not a trend. Much more often you have in front of you a subject charged with negativity, who cherished this negativity for a long time, nurtured and waited for someone to spend it on. And then - oops! - that's you.

And he has no constructive goal, except how to drain everything accumulated and badly digested on you, and then leave happy. And it doesn't matter under what mask the drain is taking place: fair parental demands, or street rudeness, or bureaucratic imposingness, or tired-chronic marital squabbles. It is important that there are times when the maximum task is to block and dissipate the partner's negative energy.

What to do in this case? As always, it's easier to start with what not to do. You don't have to do anything that activates the instinct of a fighter or a pursuer in the terminator in front of you. That is, it is not necessary:

• Ignore the aggressor (he turns on the dominant "he considers me an empty place").

• Make excuses (the excitement of "breaking through the defense" is turned on).

• Prove that he is wrong (you put him in a competitive position with a loss of face if he loses).

And here is the “hot ten” methods of working with the negative energy of a partner (most of the names have remained from those basement times).

1. KIDNAPPING OF THE BRIDE. Disconnect from source

Old format grocery store with a counter. A couple of dozen buyers are huddled in the hall. Suddenly, attention is captured by a woman waving an opened bottle of milk and making a threatening speech on the topic "sour sold." The saleswomen are at a loss, attempts to calm down the daughter of Nemesis and somehow resolve the situation (return the money, replace the product) are unsuccessful. The scandal escalates, with other fighters for justice against yoghurt joining the prosecution.

What's happening? It is quite obvious that the question is not about milk, the girl simply collects the energy of the hall, and this is her thrill. Take it by the elbow, take it out into the corridor under the vows "it's all right now to solve everything" - and the storm will subside. The cord is unplugged. Any person working with groups of people by occupation should remember once and for all - no showdown in public. Take away, cut off, cut off the conflicting side from the source of power.

A good friend of mine, as soon as he and his wife have a "heart to heart" conversation, immediately takes her by the hand and takes her out into the street: "Let's go, let's go for a walk, we'll talk there." Because the apartment in which I lived for a long time, charged with the emotions of the past, is exactly the same energy source. Go out to the park! Unplug the power cord!

2. LOVING DAD. Pity the aggressor

My friend has a daughter of eleven years. Honestly, not an example of an excellent student, a Komsomol member and an athlete. In short, mom almost always has something to show her. "There is something to eat, but how to eat it?" Mom almost never succeeds in cleaning her daughter's brains. Observed the dialogue:

- Damn, Olga, again two deuces! You promised !!

- Oh, mom, why are you so worried? You can't, you have pressure ...

- I'm not worried, you should worry about your studies! ..

- Well, you say that you are not worried, but I see that you are worried, but you really cannot ... Well, do not be so upset, well, you fool daughter, well, what can you do ...

In the Loving Dad technique, the main thing is total sincerity of sympathy. The girl professionally leaves the line of fire, standing next to the shooter and from the bottom of her heart shows concern and understanding - she just doesn't pat her on the head. “I’m here, I’m my own bourgeoisie, and there is some other fool-daughter under fire, as I sympathize with you, mom ...” At the moment when the fire is transferred to her, she easily and gracefully makes a dance step and remains next to the shooter - and again outside the affected area.

3. GOOD INVESTIGATOR. Interrogation with understanding

Another familiar family. The husband is a terrible bore. Whatever the wife does, it’s not like that. Everything is bad, I am dissatisfied with everything. Was. Lately he has been behaving quite wow. I ask my soul mate - what happened, did you get sick? No, he says, I just changed my tactics. Previously, I tried not to notice his claims, I held on for a long time - until I was torn. It didn't help, it only got worse. And now I have one reaction to all of him: long questions about what he means. What about? But as? What for? Did I understand correctly what you wanted to say, what? .. And if I always do this, will it suit you? And if not? And why?

And that doesn't make him angry, I ask? And why should it anger him, she wondered sincerely. I want to understand him so that I can do it better later! It’s not my fault that while I’m asking the questions, the initiative is on my side? As she said this, she smiled slyly.

4. EXCHANGE OF MIND. Voice other people's thoughts

One of the toughest and most effective techniques. Including the "exchange of minds", you simply voice for the interlocutor his claims to you, sincerely joining them. There are options for the technique:

a) Mirror. Thoughts are repeated after the interlocutor. “You never clean up after yourself! - Mom, you're absolutely right! I never clean up after myself, I'm sorry! "

b) Preventive. Thoughts are voiced before claims. “Mom, I understand what you’re going to say. And you are absolutely right. I really rarely clean up after myself. And this is completely unacceptable! "

c) Epistolary. “Mom, if you are reading this letter, it means that you have already realized that I went to the club without cleaning my room. This is completely unacceptable, and although I just did not have time, it does not excuse me at all ... "

c) Summarizing. "Yes, mom, you are absolutely right!" After that, the "Robot" technique is switched on (see below).

5. WORKING MEETING. Give the floor to "adult"

The Inner Adult is our subpersonality, which is goal-oriented and cold calculation. Unlike the inner Parent and Child, the Adult does not consider it appropriate to show emotions in a conflict, but operates with results, resources, and algorithms.

- So, you again pinned home after ten! How many times have we talked about this! How many times have you promised! What about your studies? You slipped into threes! And your friends? It's a shame and a shame !!

- So, dad ... I understand, you invite us to talk. But let's not do it on the doorstep, let's go to the hall, sit down and talk. Here ... Now come on. Not in bulk. What do you want to discuss? What time is it now? My studies? Or my friends? Let's pick one topic and discuss? But so as to come to some kind of result that will suit both of us ...

6. SCALES OF JUSTICE. Compare alternatives

The technique is simple. Instead of war, barricades and defending your innocence, you take your own point of view, the point of view of your partner and, with demonstrative objectivity, compare their pros and cons.

The question is not to find the best solution. The trick is that by doing this, you turn from an opponent into an expert. Another way to get out of the line of fire with an elegant movement. Experts don't get shot.


7. SUSANIN. Lead into history

- How could you do that ?!

- Indeed, it did not work out well. I remember one similar incident, where everything ended even worse. Somehow an inspector comes to us ...

- I'm not asking about a case, but about you personally !!

- So I say, everything could have ended very badly. One of my clients told me that ...

Don't stop, just don't stop!

8. BREAK. Break script

The child is crying - they didn't buy him a toy. Bitter tears and sounds of KAMAZ accelerating on the rise. Beliefs, promises and threats of flogging do not work. Only one thing works: “Wooon pussy ran !!! Ahhh, what a kiiiska! "

Any of your opponents has a clear set of scenarios - what you can do and how he will respond to it. But if you do NOT THIS in principle, he is lost, because under “not this” he has no continuation. I will not spread it, because better than Bandler and Grinder I will not tell you about the scrapping of the template anyway.

9. GRANDFATHER FREUD. Give interpretation

The technique is a tough version of the Loving Dad technique. You not only sympathize with the aggressor, but also try to understand the reasons for his aggressive mood. Maybe he had a fight with his wife? Or is he in trouble at work? Or is he so gloomy since childhood? Maybe early mom problems?

Whether or not you get in the face as a result strongly depends on the sincerity of your sympathy and interest.

10. ROBOT. I only know these words

- I would like to change this jumper I bought from you yesterday. By law, I have the right to do so within two weeks.

- And what, there is some kind of marriage?

- Not. I would like to change this jumper I bought from you yesterday. By law, I have the right to do so within two weeks.

- Yes, but we can only do this on Friday, when the director will be here ...

- I would like to change this jumper I bought from you yesterday. By law, I have the right to do so within two weeks.

- So, do not interfere with work !! See, other customers can't come to the checkout ...

“I don’t think these are my problems. I would like to change this jumper I bought from you yesterday. By law, I have the right to do so within two weeks.

If you repeat the same thing, slightly changing the text with introductory phrases, it is impossible to lead you to conflict.

Conflict is a creative thing, and you are a robot. And robots usually get their way.

Sooner or later.

... The same millions of years ago, the instructor somehow explained to us, the yellow-mouthed:

- A huge stone is rolling down the mountain. What you will do depends on what style is native to you. If you are a taekwondo master, you will smash a stone into small rubble with a kick, if a wushu master, you will beat him off with a cunning block. And if a master of aikido - take a step to the side and let the stone pass by you ...